And so it is...

I'd almost forgotten how much I love to write, then my friend Emily reminded me about this silly little blog I started what...over two years ago (she tends to have a way of gently dropping hints about things I should be taking care of :). Why did I stop? Answer:Life. So much has changed since my last blog that I'd have to write several novels to catch you all up, so, I shall start anew.

Current state of things: For 11 weeks now my husband has been unexpectedly shipped out of town for work...not sure when he will be home...but I MUST not focus on that in this blog... it would be utterly ridiculous. I'll save those cathartic rants for Facebook:)

Current major project: I am planning a HUGE and I mean HUGE summer camp for flow artists here in my home town. This has been incredibly stressful, thrilling, and entertaining. I can't say rewarding yet, because I haven't experienced the camp, but I am sure a super-awesome, fun-filled recap will follow this amazing adventure my friend Mike and I have planned;) you should come and join the circus for a weekend (you will be so incredibly disappointed in your juggling and acrobatic skills if you do not): www.sparkfireflow.com

Current Goal(s): Sell my stinking house. Get psychotic neighbors to move. Develop Initiate expansion plan for Spanier family <3

So, as you can tell, I have a few things on my plate currently. Just a FEW. My husband is home this weekend, so life feels normal.. I'm sure this will all get very interesting come Sunday night.

I haven't decided what my new focus will be in this space. Likely nothing too serious...I have too many challenges right now to make life even MORE serious. My nature is free and spirited, not overly serious, so it would be almost dishonest to write a super in-depth, emotional account of current Liz events. I've become substantially more skilled at yarn work, but there are SO many yarn blogs out there...who wants to really see me darn socks and knit stuffies? likely no one...I will find adventures to share I'm sure...If I don't I will fabricate a story so amazing you'll begin to wonder if I graduated from Hogwarts School of Magic...

Sometimes you just have to stop

SO. I know its been too too long since I've posted, but I felt like "why post if I have no progress to display?" My life has been crazy the past few months. Good crazy most of the time, but crazy and exhausting have becoming synonymous in my life recently! I just went on a 5 day trip to visit my friend in Jacksonville, and it was spectacular. I have read 4 of the 8 books in my Charlene Harris series, and I am overall feeling much less stressed (please note there are definitely workdays that are grand exceptions to this testimony.)

I have several new crocheting project lined up this summer, mostly due to the fact that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE is expecting. I have some neat design ideas for things I can make, but I think there will be a good deal of trial and error. To be short, the afghan just may have to wait a few months...I know, I know, I am taking myself way off course from my goal.....or am I? Was the point of this blog not to spend a little time focusing on ME? Staying true to my personal ways and still allowing myself joy in the simple things that I allowed to fill my life Pre-Norah era?

Everyday I feel more and more pressure from this world to achieve, achieve, achieve. When is it ever enough to just EXIST? I even feel myself putting pressure on MYSELF to finish this damn afghan! No one else is even pushing me. I find myself always looking forward instead of inside the current moment. For instance, even on my amazing, relaxing vacation filled with no plans, obligations, etc, I still felt myself stressing about going back to work, being stressed, being overtired, and feeling the guilt of coming home to my child and fiance that I left for a week to take this trip. Some people even purposefully made me feel guilty as if I was morally obligated to never leave Joe alone for more than a day with the baby. I do not understand this thought process, but it really must end. Joe was glad to let me go and have his private time with Norah. I was glad to sleep, clear my head, and decompress.

I guess it just seems like the expectation in this world most days is that to become an exceptional person, you must first take away as much of your own joy as possible. If you are too joyful, you must not be working hard enough OR you're driving from someone else's work. I just don't GET it. I know, I know, this is a big rant about not taking control of my own life, etc etc, but I am just thinking aloud (that is what a blog is, after all..) I know it is not like this everywhere, but it seems like I am surrounded by that allegoric thought process everyday. It always hides behind some go-get-em' speech about reaching the top, creating new goals, and being the best. What if I don't want to be the best? I just want to be me, non-changing, full of imperfections that shape who I am. Am I the only one intercepting this?????

Aside from an outstanding yoga practice, when is it acceptable to stop "looking forward to" some grand scheme in the future and start just fully experiencing the present?

an brief update, because you deserve it

Its 10 to midnight and the Jelly Bean and Fiance are both fast asleep. Since my last post, I completed two more squares. I've been so tired and overwhelmed with work, looking for a new car, and trying to understand the challenges of the current world order, that I haven't really sat very long and felt like doing anything besides just sitting. Even writing this blog is a challenge. I literally hit a point this past week where I was dreaming while completely awake. Some would call this a "hallucination." I call it an intense need for some sort of sleep therapy. My fiance is great, he voluntarily took the babe to Best Buy so I could get a nap. What did I do? sat and stared into space for about 1 hour before deciding to travel to bed to finally try to nap. Anyway, this is why this post must be short. I am insanely tired and unfocused. The afghan is still making progress, slow and steady. I definitely qualify as a herp and not a cavie. That is most certainly true.

Please Stand By: We are having technical difficulties....of a sleepy nature

So, I realize I haven't updated in over a week on the status of the ever so important afghan, but holy Moses, I have been busy/tired. I know, I know , " Liz, that's why you started this stinking blog in the first place, to avoid stupid excuses." But really, Ive worked a TON of overtime, dealt with some super not great hormone issues and just all out braved a major lack of sleep over the last two weeks.

My sweet sweet friend Emily reminded me today that some people really ARE reading this and I need to keep with it. So, to Emily, thanks for holding me accountable. I have to say, she is really one of a kind. Unfortunately, we had to cancel our knitting extravaganza last weekend, but there were MUCH more important matters to tend to of a personal family nature, and I KNOW we will soon have another weekend scheduled (you see, Emily is by far the most organized, well planned person I've ever met.)

So, to that note, I begin square 3. Yes, I have only completed 2 squares....but 2 is better than none, and I haven't the time to care for your judgmental thoughts hehehe.I think I have decided to make the border that pieces the entire blanket together some sort of orange. Orange, yellow and pink will make for a nice bright blanket in the middle of the dreary winter. (It will be even better for a magical fairy tent when Norah decides she wants to start setting up fort in the living room.)

It is really a joy to think about what the life will be of something you make. For instance, I recently made a scarf for a dear friend of mine who is incredibly active and travels pretty often (at least I THINK he does). It is fun to imagine where that scarf may be someday. Who could see it in another country, etc.

My fiance's aunt lives on an island near Washington State, and I recently sent her a scarf and hat. She travels weekly to Seattle to study, and she sent me a card talking about how many people ask her about her unique scarf. How exciting!

Oh the places we go and the things we shall see through the eyes of a simple creation. Its almost as though you are creating your own legacy. My creation could end up left on a bench, a bus, or lost in the park, but that could mean a little piece of me is passed on to someone else down the road who could REALLY use a nice surprise one day. (or at the bottom of a creepy, dirty $1 bin at Goodwill where someone will eventually turn it into refuse. Hey, we can't all be famous right?)

Liz vs. The Endocrine system-> the battle ensues

You know that feeling when you get so mad about something you actually get hot. Almost like someone poured hot water on you but its spilling upside down towards the top of your head instead of your toes? Well, I've been blessed enough to start feeling that way on a daily, and sometimes hourly, basis. I know I know, this is a blog about crocheting a beautiful blanket that will make me into a better more focused person, but, you know what, sometimes a girl just needs to be a witch....which for MEEEEE is not that often...or is it?

You see, my body since the arrival of Norah has been, to put it nicely, confused. It was already confused before Norah, and I always hopefully accepted the words of my OBGYN when she said "I bet this will all settle down after you have a baby. " To be blunt...no. I still have migraines several times a month, and now, my body is in overdrive. Some people would call this "Post-Partum Depression", I call this a very confused body inhabiting the mind of an even more confused woman.

So what does this have to do with crocheting? I spoke in my first blog that crocheting brought me peace because I can focus on something mindless and just "chill." This could not be more true. Like always, my doctor decided taking MORE hormones will solve this little issue. I'm not so sure, but we shall see I suppose. On a good note, two squares are finished. Its going to be a real skill learning what size needle to use for each pattern. I've done two VERY simple squares so far and I had to start over 3-4 times after doing a few rows because they were no where near the right size. I've found I cannot really test the size until I'm a few rows in.

I love crocheting with Norah in my lap. She gets SO excited and loves to stare at the bright yarn. I have to say, evil woman hormones aside, I LOVE my daughter so much. Having her probably made me even more of a "crazy person" but the one thing that no matter what will improve my mood is holding her. (It makes me so happy that it further perplexes me how people can HARM a child, but that is a story for another day, another blog.)

I believe I will still have crocheting weekend this Saturday with my friend Emily. It will be nice to have a girl day and get motivated to dive into some of these more difficult and intricate patterns.

Thanks to anyone who actually takes time out of their day to see what I have to say. I know sometimes I may "over share" but one quality I REALLY value in people is transparency, so I try to be as transparent as possible when documenting this. Whats the point in lying on my own blog anyway? I'd hate to come back and read this in 5 years and forget how I truly felt during this time in my life (which, though it may not seem, is usually Joyful:)

Peace

short n' sweet

Today has been....rough.... to say the least. From a momma standpoint that is. Actually, from a working momma, driving in the snow while overly tired, body acting against itself standpoint that is.

On a good note..square 1/63 has commenced. Lemonade and watermelon are the colors. I am about half way done. PROGRESS!!!!I'm literally so tired that I can't remember if I already blogged about this.

This will be a short post and for that I do not apologize! haHA (pointing my finger is the air ever so matter-of-fact).

to be continued....

This is Mamma Bear, signing off.

Gentlemen, start your engines (and grab some tea)

So, it is now Sunday morning (2 days since said blog commenced) and I am FINALLY starting my Afghan. I am happy with the colors I have chosen:

Watermelon
Green Apple
Snow White

White will be used for both some of the squares as well as the borders. I may change my mind half way through and pick black for the border.....we shall see.

I am still working on my first square and have had to restart several times. The book calls for the squares to be 7". It recommends used worsted weight yarn, and I am using a medium yarn because that is what I found that I liked at the store (soft cotton too!). I had to increase the size of the hook too (but the book said that is ok so I don't feel so bad). I am using a huge hook (6.5mm/K) with skinny yarn, so my hands are already hating me. I had to start over several times to figure out what size needle to use. Now that I am an inch or so in to this first square (using a single crochet stitch the whole way through), my square has shrunk from a 7" to a 6"....this is going to be frustrating I can tell already. I actually had about 2" finished and then re-measured realizing I maybe was using too much tension. I'm going to have to figure something out. I do NOT want to pick new yarn. ugh. Maybe I will use two colors of yarn for each square instead of making the squares different colors.....This idea just came to me as I was typing....in my mind's eye, that would help avoid the retro 70's look I was fearing...yep. that is what I will do. PLUS medium weight yarn x's 2= worsted weight (yes, I made that little equation up myself, it is in no way a valid equation!). haha. I think this will work out wonderfully.

here's hoping!

I think my fears are definitely realized though. My biggest challenge won't be following the stitch patterns and directions, it will be keeping the squares a consistent size.....how do people ever get this stuff right! day three and I'm already nuts! I may have to recruit my grandma (the dear woman who bought me this book and crochet kit for Christmas) for a day to help me figure out where my technique is all wrong......

until another day (or square in this case I suppose)


Peace